Disclaimer: I have put this off for far too long. *he
he* This is NOT I repeat NOT my idea I have expanded upon another's idea.
Decided to write Éomer Diary, Go Me. Though it doesn't really relate to the
The Very Secret Diary
Went for ride today, twas nice and sunny and pretty. Who am I kidding it was cold, wet and
miserable. Found Théodred lying by side of river complaining about stomach. Yes I know we all ate Éowyn's stew - we all got sick - but does he have to complain about it all of the time.
Whoops - Théodred really wounded - better take him to Edoras
Will Théodred stop head butting me? It really hurts.
Arrived at Edoras with very sore head - Éowyn tried to give me stew - told her I wasn't
hungry - she got annoyed and punched my arm. Went to see Unckey Théoden - he looks really hairy and white - thinks it makes him look distinguished. Told him about ambush by Éowyn and her stew - Théoden didn't find it amusing. Told him about ugly Orcs - though saw one but it was only Wormtounge. Wormtounge called me names so I poked my
tongue out at him - and he banished me. Stupid git, he's just jealous that I have great eyebrows and he doesn't.
Found some men - singing riding songs - playing 'My Little Pony' board game. Feel like hunting some Orcs for the fun of it - they screech
Found Orcs by forest - slaughtered them and piled bodies on hill before burning them then realised how much they stunk - I'll never get the
smell out of my hair. Put head on stick as warning and wrote 'Éomer was ere TA' in dirt. Two men died - think they suffocated from Orc stench.
Met silly mangy man, pressie Elf and hairy dwarf thing on plains. Told them scary story but they didn't seem
fazed - Note to self - only tell scary stories at camp fire with torch underneath chin. Mangey man kept saying something about not being King, Elf threatened me - think he's jealous of my eyebrows, dwarf too small to worry about - I think he tried to bite my leg though. Stupid dwarf. Gave them spare horsies - only after I put itching powder on the saddles though.
Bored - very very bored
Even more bored
Gandalf came to say hi. Asked him to do pointy hat trick but he said he lost his hat. Noticed he has bleached his hair - asked him why and he told me that he thinks it makes him look more distinguished. Told me about Théoden returning to normal self and pending army coming to Helm's Deep and that Théodred died - man I carried him all that way and he died - my head still hurts from all his head butting. Gandalf got all melodramatic on me saying how I should come to the aid of my King blah blah blah. Asked what's in it for me - Gandalf told me that if I went I would never have to eat Éowyn's stew ever again. I agreed instantly.
1126 riders with helmets on their heads, 1126 riders with helmets, take one down pass it around, 1125 riders with helmets on their heads.
Left 1 2 3 4, right 1 2 3 4 now spin your partners and slide 1 2 3 4.
Arrived at Helm's Deep just in time. Made dramatic entrance riding down hill with sun behind us - made short work of Orcs and drove them into the trees which ate them or something. Too scared to see what - trees don't seem to like me very much, always seem to coat hanger me as I ride past. Found Éowyn annoyed in caves,
mangy man was there, said hi to Elf, think dwarf tried bite me again. Rode up onto hill Gandalf said something about 'war for Middle Earth' think he's just being a drama queen. Though apparently we are going to Isengard
tomorrow. I hope Saruman still has his lolly jar. Éowyn refused to cook some stew tonight - Gandalf winked at me - it might be alright after all.
Got coathangered 3 times today - dwarf laughed at me so I sprinkled itchy powder down his back. Elf asked me how do I keep my hair looking so good under my helmet - told him I would only tell him if he did me a favour - Note to self keep away from Elf - he's scary.
Found short people at Isengard and giant talking tree - tried to ask tree to grant me a wish but he spoke too slow and I got bored. Gandalf wouldn't let me raid lolly jar - think he wants to keep it all to himself - meanie. Been pouting rest of the day - no one has noticed yet.
Finally home, had party, got wasted - won singing contest. Elf tried drinking - very funny. Had well earned bath think I heard someone by the door - not sure who - better not be scary Elf.
Gandalf left with small Hobbit thing. Think he wants Hobbit all to himself - too small for my tastes. Éowyn taken up
embroidery - help us all - I hope she doesn't want ME to wear any of that stuff.
So funny Elf had argument with dwarf - then dwarf tried to bite me again - getting annoyed with dwarf now. Other little Hobbit has become a squire - Théoden tells me that I have to teach him how to ride and all. Why me?
Hobbit name is Cherry - don't know why he's named after a fruit. Put him on pony and walked him around the yard - ignored jeers of other men - will get revenge on them later.
Hobbit's name is actually Merry. Have run out of itching powder - if only Gandalf was here to make some more.
Mangy man come running in to great hall, slipped on rug and landed flat on his face yelling something about bacon. Found out he meant beacon as he had bitten his
tongue. Théoden is sending me to go find some troops for the war - glad to get away from scary Elf.
Arrived at Dunharrow set up tent Théoden gave me for my birthday - think he might have gotten me confused with Éowyn cause it has pink frills - Mangey man commented on frills so I put a lizard in his tent. Éowyn teaching Hobbit to
wield sword - told her not to bother - Hobbit's better than her anyway.
Mangey man got upset about lizard and refuses to ride with us to the fields - says he has to take another route or something - Elf gave me sly wink before going with him into haunted mountains - Elf scary. Éowyn depressed about something - gave her my last lollipop.
11126 riders with helmets on their heads, 11126 riders with helmets, take one down pass it around, 11125 riders with helmets on their heads.
Arrived at war - lots of Orcs - Théoden made moving speech and waved his spirit stick - I mean sword around - tried to tell him that would blunt it but he
wouldn't believe me. Chopped up some Orcs, put spear into Oliphaunt rider and brought down two Oliphaunt's - Go Me!
Mangey man brought dead army with him - destroyed all of the orcs - show off. Éowyn apparently killed WitchKing or something but Théoden died! And he didn't even tell me the secret
ingredient to his famous cookies - damn him!
Aragorn healed Éowyn and some other guy named Faramir. Says we must ride to Black Gate to help other Hobbit thing - I only agreed cause Aragorn said he'd make me King. Think he might like Hobbit thing going to save.
Arrived at Black Gate - little Merry hobbit behind me. Aragorn made moving speech - wasn't really listening - Hobbit was too busy playing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' on my back. Orcs came out of Gate and surrounded us - Eagles
attacked the Nazgul then something happened and all the Orcs sunk into the ground - serves Sauron right for
building on a fault line.
Hobbits been saved - Sauron destroyed.
Been a hectic month - was banished - fought in a few wars - made King - don't have to eat Éowyn's stew anymore (she's marrying Faramir guy and going to live with him - I warned him about her cooking but he says he doesn't mind - beats having burnt meat). Elf making lewd suggestions. Small fat Hobbit keeps giving Aragorn evil looks - think he wants to kill him.
Aragorn made King today - sang silly song and married pretty Elf Princess. Elf came back wearing a small crown of some sort - apparently he's some kind of Prince - dwarf gave me evil looks when I commented upon this - he didn't try to bite me though.
Said goodbye to Éowyn and Aragorn. Going to be crowned King when get back to Edoras. Elf caught me in hallway demanding to know the secret of keeping my hair so nice so I told him - he he he I lied :)